How to Make Friends (and Lots of Them)

It seems like today that we live in a world where people are both closer together and further apart. I can't tell you how many times I've been to the mall and seen teenagers walking around in groups while talking to other people on their phones (like, what's the point?). I've also been to restaurants where families are sitting at a table doing the same thing. It seems like everyday when I'm out, be it at college or walking around the mall or outside, people just don't seem interested in the people around them.

This is a dilemma that I find interesting because there's a certain irony to it. On one hand mentioned above it seems like many people want to keep to themselves and not be bothered with anyone else. But, on the other hand I've had many friends tell me that they have trouble making other friends. I've had them and many other people ask me how to make friends (which I'm getting to). I've also had many people thank me for coming to talk to them because no one else would and they were tired of talking to someone they couldn't see on the phone. Its funny because people look like they want to be left alone, but really they yearn for human interaction.

Anyway, enough babble from me, here are my keys to making friends and lots of them...

Step 1. Get Out of Your Own Head

My first acting teacher used to tell me all the time "Matt get out of your own head and into the space!" She was trying to get me to understand that I needed to be connected to the environment around me and to my partner next to me. She wanted me to know that there was only so far I could get if I was always stuck in my own head. The same is true of making friends. The days of someone coming up to you on the playground and saying "hey let's be friends" are long gone. The odds of you waking up one day with hundreds of new friends ringing your phone are pretty unlikely (unless you win the lotto, but that's a different story). Therefore, you need to get out of your head. You need to look and see what other people are up to. Look around for bored people, lonely people, people looking to include someone else in group activities, or people looking for a friend. If you get out of your head you'll realize these kind of people all around your school, workplace, malls, parks, libraries, and maybe even your house!

Step 2. Find a Reason to be Around People

This is a short step. Find a reason, any reason to be around people. Sure you could drink coffee at your house, but people aren't at your house. Of course you could do your shopping online, but people aren't online (or maybe they are, but that's none of my business). Sure you could drink by yourself, but people aren't...anyway you get the idea. Find a reason to be around people. Go to Starbucks or a bar instead of drinking at your house. Go to the mall or shopping centers instead of shopping online.

Step 3. Be That Kid at the Playground

Now when I was a little kid I never had trouble making friends. I was the kid who would run up to other kids on the McDonald's playground and assemble the Avengers, organize the Justice League or start a spy agency or whatever we decided to do that day (yeah that kid). Within five minutes I was best friends with someone I had just met for 30 minutes. Now I went through a phase where I had a problem making the kind of friends I wanted to make. And my dad would always tell me "if you want friends you need to be friendly" (you'd be surprised how long this concept took me to get). In retrospect I wasn't a very friendly look person. I sat with my arms folded all of the time, I had a stern look on my face (to quote my dad I had a "don't eff with me face") and I always used to say how much I hated people. Unbeknownst to me it's very hard to make friends going everywhere doing a bad Clint Eastwood impersonation. I lost who I was when I was a kid.In fact I realize now that I was scared of people and was covering it up with looking "hard". I figured I couldn't be hurt or have the responsibility of having friends if no one wanted to be my friend to begin with. Now this is the WORST thing you can do as a teenager or adult. That skill that we had when we were 7 is a skill we need to keep for our entire lives. Now when I'm out and about and I see someone I want to talk to I more or less act like a 7 year old. I walk up to someone sitting alone and I'll say something along the lines of "hey you look a little bored and I'm definitely bored sitting there by myself, do you mind if I sit with you?" Do you want to know how many times this works? At least 11 out of 10 times. It's that proven. I can't tell you how many people and what kind of people I've met using that line. Girls, CEOs of companies, teachers, people who went on to give me discounts at the places they work, girls. Now it doesn't have to be those exact words, but you want to keep that kid mentality.

NOTE: you also want to be clear about what you're saying. You don't want to have a person ask you what you just said because you were talking too fast or too quietly. Be confident when walking up to the person.

Step 4. Find a Way to Keep in Contact With That Person

The last step in making friends is finding a way to keep in contact with the person you just met. Now this is something I wasn't good at when I was 7 (mostly because I'm old and we didn't have cellphones when I was a kid). I would go through all of this effort of making a new friend and then lose contact with them forever. Don't do this as an adult. Find a way to get that person's contact info. Now how to do this varies depending on if you're talking to the opposite gender. Guys unless you really hit it off with a girl you probably don't want to outright ask her for her number (but if you hit it off you won't have to ask her, she'll give it to you-trust me). Girls you probably won't have this problem asking for a guys number unless you just feel uncomfortable asking for it. Instead, say something like "hey so how do I find you if I want to talk to you again?" Or even better still find a reason to be in contact with them. Say you and someone are discussing music (I've done this before so it works) and you're introducing them to new artists they've never heard of before but they're really interested, ask them how you can send them the songs you were talking about. Odds are they will give you a number or social media account in which you can follow them. A third option is to ask them how do you find them on Facebook. This will usually be the foolproof plan since most people aren't scared of giving you their Facebook info. This is considered a safe ground. From there you can message the person and develop the relationship to whatever extent the both of you want to take it.

Thanks for reading guys, I hope these tips I've picked up over the years will help you on your journey to making many, many friends. If you think you'll still need further help you should consider my personal Confidence Coaching. The first consultation is free.